I am a runner

I am a runner.

It is still hard for me to say that most days. I immediately compare myself to the woman I saw gliding effortlessly down the street earlier in the day or the man who flew past me as I walked my dog early one morning. If I let that comparison continue, the vision of myself is not a runner at all, it is an overweight, middle-aged woman who is plodding along.

But the fact remains: I run. Therefore, I am a runner.

Each time I go out, I remind myself that I do belong out there, jiggly bits and all.

Coming to this point was not easy, nor was it something I ever thought would happen. From day one of my running adventure, my mind tried to talk me out of it. It told me mean and hateful things trying to dissuade me from continuing on with the C25K program. My own mind told me things that I would never utter to another human being.

It told me I was:

Too fat

Too slow

Too old

Too heavy footed

Too jiggly

Had no chance in hell of making it

My mind was not my friend then. It still isn’t most of the time, but I have learned to ignore it (mostly) or have little internal conversations telling it to shut up and be nice. I deserve the same kindness that I try to show others.

As I kept on with the program, determined to make it through for once, I figured out ways of coping. Since running outside was causing me a ton of anxiety (and for anyone who knows me, this is a strange thing) I moved indoors to a treadmill. Too many people staring at me on the treadmill (they weren’t this was all in my head)? I readjusted my schedule so I could go in between the busy times.

With each passing run and each new accomplishment, I became a little more confident. I felt like I almost belonged. After I made it through the infamous W5D3 workout, I felt a triumph that my hateful mind couldn’t squash for days. I could RUN.

With that confidence, came a bit more bravery. I moved outside. At first to a park with a nice running trail that had very few people on it early in the morning. My runs continued and I even received nods and waves from other runners.

I was a runner.

One day, I even uttered “I’m going on a run.” without a single thought contradicting my place out there.
I am a runner.